Latest contributions have come in from Bill Crighton, Malky Sim and Steve Ellis. Keep 'em coming boys.



ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT A PUBLIC GOLF COURSE

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday.
What's the weather going to be like that day?


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late. Can you still get me out early?


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it.


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if possible.


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.


Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?



For those of
you who may have missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!

Four Worms and a Lesson



A minister decided that a
visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday
sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate cans.

The first worm

was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm

was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm

was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm
was put into a container of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead


Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.


So the Minister asked the congregation -

"What can you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine, who was sitting in the front pew, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"



That pretty much ended the service.





Church Ladies With typewriters . . .





They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.



Here are some funny Church related items: --------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow...

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'





Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day..

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.





A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York ,and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had eve seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."



The Pope comes to Glasgow and asks "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, wee Brendon got into the queue, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Wee Brendon replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The Pope put one finger of one hand in Brendon's ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a great prayer for Brendon, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Brendon, how is your hearing now?"

Wee Brendon answered, "Ah don't know. It's no' 'til next week....."





Regular contributor Malky Sim has suggested a few minor rules amendments geared at speeding up play.

I hope these rules will be introduced in time for Murcia.
M.S.

Be advised. The Monifieth and District Sub Group is contemplating an approach to the governing body to modify the Rulesof Golf for Seniors:


Rule 1.a.5

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on
the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into
the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalised for tall
grass, which greenkeepers failed to mow.


Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is
simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior
player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it
had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.


Rule 3.b.3 (g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or
near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone
else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony
by charging himself or herself with a penalty.


Rule 4.c.7 (h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.


Rule 5.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in,
may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches
from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.


Rule 6.a.9 (k)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching
golf clubs bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The
senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.


Rule 7.g.15 (z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls
should float. Senior golfers should not be penalised for
manufacturers' shortcomings.


Rule 8.k.9(s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new
golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior
golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old
equipment.


Please advise all your senior friends of these important pending rule changes.












These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.



STAY AWAY FROM HOSPITAL!!





AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!


Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.


This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.

I decide to go through it before I wash the car.

I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in the desk in my study,
so I go into the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I can't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!





In the jungle,South African jungle 3 lions sleep tonight, Cause in the morning the early morning they have to catch a flight. A win no way a win no way a win no way!



These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:



FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

*** And the WINNER is... ***

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!










































A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pocketFinally after many such glances from her, he said, 'Its golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she
asked ...

Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.


What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ...

Today you voted.'



Jim Watt's Scottish Jokes Collection

Said the Englishman to the boastful Scot: 'Take away your mountains, glens and lochs, and what have you got?' 'England,' replied the Scot.

Old Sandy was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked:
'Anything I can get you, Sandy?'
No reply.
'Have ye no' a last wish, Sandy?' Faintly, came the answer. . . 'a wee bit of yon boiled ham.'
'Wheesht, man,' said Maggie, 'ye ken fine that's for the funeral.'

The Kirkcaldy undertaker sent a telegram to the bereaved man, telling him his mother-in-law had died and asking whether he wanted her embalmed, cremated, or buried. Back came the reply: 'All three — tak' nae chances.'

Did you hear about the last wish of the henpecked husband of a house-proud Edinburgh wife? He asked to have his ashes scattered on the carpet.

Then there was the Inverness man who bought his mother-in-law a chair but had to send it back. He had nowhere to plug it in.

The local train stopped at a station long enough for the passengers to stretch their legs.
Sniffing the pure, clean air with appreciation, a passenger said to the guard: 'Invigorating, isn't it?'
'No,' he replied. 'Inverurie.'

The minister was sharing a rail compartment with a Scot the worse of drink, who insisted on talking.
'Please don't speak to me,' said the minister. 'You're drunk.'
'Drunk?' replied the Scot. 'You're worse than me — you've got your collar on back to front.'

Three times Jessie brought Sandy to the manse, hoping to be made man and wife, but each time the minister refused because of the groom-to-be's intoxication.
'Why do you persist in bringing him to me in such a state?' asked the minister. 'Please, Reverend,' explained Jessie, 'he'll no' come when he's sober.'

It was cold on the upper deck and. the captain was concerned for the comfort of his passengers.
He called down: 'Is there a mackintosh down there big enough to keep two young lassies warm?'
'No, skipper,' came the reply, 'but there's a Macpherson willing to try.'

'It was like this,' said Donald. 'I was teaching the wife to drive, and the brakes failed when we came down the hill.'
'What did you tell her?'
'Try and hit something cheap!'

A woman and a man from Aberdeen were stranded on a desert island after a shipwreck. Their clothes were in rags and their food running out.
'I suppose it could always be worse,' said the woman. 'Oh, aye, it could,' agreed the Aberdonian. 'I might have bought a return ticket.'

A police officer pulls over a Scottish man who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the man's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a haemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

Did you hear about the two Scotsmen who were stopped by the police for being drunk and disorderly? It turned out that the first had been drinking battery acid and the second had been swallowing fireworks.
One was charged and the other was let off.

What do you call a Scots woman with one leg?

Aileen

.... and a more reflective piece from the Edzell man

An Obituary printed in The London Times - Interesting and sadly rather true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing

Contribution from SSGS Administrator Bill Crighton. It has a certain resonance.



The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
About the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
And dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
Of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
Dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
Happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
Going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
We fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
Get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
History of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
Wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
Not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not





Silver Arrow


A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said..

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'



New suit - £200
New shirt - £30
New underwear - £6
Second Opinion - PRICELESSSteve Ellis is responsible for the following:



HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :


Dear Mrs. Murray,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use
Of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is
Considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
Husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... And watched what happened..

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
Antidepressants were.

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'



And from the President:



If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.


Now We Know Why He Was a General -----

In a recent interview,
General Norman Schwarzkopf
Was asked if he thought
There was room for forgiveness
toward the people who have harbored
and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated
the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.


The General said, " I believe that forgiving them is God's function.

OUR job is to arrange the meeting. " AMEN"



Two Maiden Contributions from our Southern Correspondent Robert Gill

AMISH ELEVATOR

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement a fat, old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son...............

"Go get your mother."



Too late!

A friend went to Scotland for his father's 90th birthday. I saw him a few weeks later and asked how it had gone. "Well, it was going great until I had a few too many one night and told my Dad a few home truths. I've been trying to patch it up ever since and now (tearfully) it's too late. Yes, last Saturday….he won the lottery."



Its cold outside

50°F
> People in Southern England turn on the central heating
> People in Edinburgh plant out bedding plants
>
> 40°F
> Southerners shiver uncontrollably
> Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs
>
> 35°F
> Cars in the South of England refuse to start
> People in Falkirk drive with their windows down
>
> 20°F
> Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats
> Aberdonian men throw on a t-shirt; girls start wearing mini-skirts
>
> 15°F
> Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent
> People from Dundee swim in the River Tay at Broughty Ferry
>
> 0°F
> Life in the South grinds to a halt
> Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold
>
> -10°F
> Life in the South ceases to exist
> People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket
>
> -80°F
> Polar bears wonder if it's worth carrying on
> Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers
>
> -100°F
> Santa Claus abandons North Pole
> People in Stirling put on their 'long johns'
>
> -173°F
> Alcohol freezes
> Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut
>
> -297°F
> Microbial life starts to disappear
> The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands
>
> -460°F
> All atomic motion stops
> Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands
>
> -500°F
> Hell freezes over
> Scotland will support England in the World cup






Overheard in the locker room around Feb 14th

Did ye get anything for the wife for valentines day?

As a matter of fact I did- I got her a new bag and belt

Oh. she'd be pleased with that?

No' really but at least the Hoover's working again





Drew Wilson to blame for the next one

TOOK DAD SHOPPING

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red,orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke onhis response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

'Got seriously drunk once and had a dalliance with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.



'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of her face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.



A few more from our regular contributors

Ø FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
>
> 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
>
>
>
> FREE PUPPIES
>
> 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
>
>
>
> FREE PUPPIES.
>
> Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
>
> Father, Super Dog .. . Able to leap tall fences in a single
> bound.
>
>
>
> FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
>
> Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
>
> Better be a big reward.
>
>
>
> COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
>
> Also 1 gay bull for sale.
>
>
>
> JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
>
> Must sell washer and dryer £100.
>
>
>
> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
> .
>
> Worn once by mistake.... Call Stephanie.
>
>
>
> And the best one:
>
>
>
> FOR SALE BY OWNER.
>
> Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
> Excellent
> condition. £200 or best offer. No longer
> needed, Got married last
> month. Wife knows everything.



AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.


One to worry you just a little!
>
>
>
How many zeros in a billion?

This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in one of it's releases.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.


At the rate our government is spending it, a billion pounds ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes.

Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Income Tax
Vat
Unemployment Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax (tax on top of tax)
Alcohol Tax
Luxury Goods Tax
Fuel tax
Property Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Local CouncilTax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax



STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was
one of the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
And Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened Can you spell 'politicians!' What the hell happened?????



The Bagpiper and the Homeless Man

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.


As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

*You all know little Johnny!

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b!#ches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"







Mair Monifieth Mirth- Malcolm's latest offering:

The Darwins are out!!!!


Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.



Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to syphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember.... They walk among us!!!***



From an external source- Ian Gillespie, West Kilbride GC offers the following:

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills? They were labeled
LSD.'
Granny replies, "Screw the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!?!"


Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly
agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love
juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'


An elderly couple is attending Church.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I
just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'


Malky's November Collection

If Tommy Cooper were alive today


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there..
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'





The Royal Commission on Political Correctness announced today

that the local climate in the UK shall no longer be called "British Weather".

It will now be referred to as "Muslim Weather".......

partly Sunni but mostly Shi'te.




-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked little Johnny what he had.
Little Johnny said, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called Turpentine"
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby".
Little Johnny replied, "If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.



New from the Jim Watt collection......

PRAISE BE


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like
to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband,
Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was
completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the
doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must
have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on,
"and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation,
and it turned out they were able to piece together the
crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it
to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and
squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery
performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord,
Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with
time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and
tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.


A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.



"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."




One for the ladies

We are not a male chauvinist pig organisation and balance up some previous entries with the following quotes from them indoors


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his SweatShirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

WOW - keep this in mind....

Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is?
I had a neighbour who had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news.


He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open.

Another neighbour came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck.
I'm impressed! WD-40 who knew? 'Water Displacement #40' The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound.


They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts.

Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
When you read the 'shower door' part, try it .. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned
that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle!
Then try it on your stove top .... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been... You'll be amazed.


Here are some other uses:

1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars..
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings..
4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps flies off cows.
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewelry chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring.
It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not
removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide..
21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22. Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes splattered grease on stove..
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37. Florida 's favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.'
38. The favorite use in the state of New York , WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no
time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose.(Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.)
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.

PS: The basic ingredient is FISH OIL.



A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 999 on his mobile phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly." "No time at all," says her husband.
"Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."



A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."



A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son? "
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our heads down."



Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes " says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
" Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."




The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said:
"What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day,` is it?"





The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from the Gorbals.

The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Gorbals in Glasgow were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this is a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice session, the Gorbals pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Carlsberg Special, 50 ecstasy tablets and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.



An 80-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for
today?'

'There's something wrong with my willie, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out,
waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir? '

'I can't pish out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter..

Mair Malky Moments

Monifieth's custodian of Mirth has the following offerings

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He
took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his
lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted
something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered
that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down
here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an
eight iron.




The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelled p-U-t or p-U-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-U-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a
vain attempt to do the same thing."



The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his Secretary for some mathematical help. He called her
into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of
Tennessee and I need some help.

If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take
off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my
earrings.'





My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game.
"You have to count my strokes," my brother told him.
"How much is six plus nine plus eight?"
"Five," answered the nephew.
"Okay," my brother said, "let's go."


Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met
on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first
lady asked, "What's your handicap?"

"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.

"Really!" exclaimed the first woman suitably impressed that she was
paired up with her.

"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"



The Avaricious Cuckoo

The common blackbird is a well thought of member of the feathered community. It is respectful of other creatures and their territories.

The cuckoo on the other hand thrives on the efforts of others.

The mother blackbird spends a great deal of time planning and preparing a comfortable and secure nest for her eggs and ultimately her fledglings. Care is taking when positioning the nest that it does not intrude on other birdlife activities in the area.

Eggs are duly layed and preparation made for hatching. Whilst most of the time the eggs are tended by one of the parents, there are occasions when supervision is not possible. During these times the opportunist cuckoo is able to visit the nest, deposit an egg, and move on.

Neat, don't bother with nest building, don't get involved with hatching, feeding and rearing, just get on with your life.

Mother blackbird returns to the nest, slightly confused by the extra and larger egg. Ever dutiful she carries on with the preparation for hatching.

Not much later there are five healthy chicks chattering away and happily sharing the constant supply of food brought to them. For weeks they play together as brothers and sisters.

Soon however the young cuckoo starts to outgrow the rest. Realising that it is still hungry after the rest are satisfied, it responds by throwing the others, one by one, out of the nest. Mother blackbird continues to feed the survivor but is naturally very unhappy over the loss of the others. She never recovers.

The cuckoo is now unhappy because it has no-one to play with and, having grown its feathers, leaves the nest to wander alone. It's calling cry of "cu-ckoo" "cu-ckoo" often goes unanswered. It comes to regret its actions realising that there was a good thing going now no longer there.

Moral? Who knows.




The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later.' The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier? The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister.. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.' The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'



From ex Aberdonian banker Bill Methven-


An Aberdonian walks into a bank in Union Street and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Aberdonian lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked
on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Aberdonian
for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Aberdonian returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?

The Aberdonian replies: "Where else in Aberdeen can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the Aberdonian .... This is why they survive



Rules of Golf

Drew Wilson (Clober) has come up with the following rule changes for use in our events. We shall of course have to run these past the game's ruling body and anticipate a degree of resistance.

New rules for Scottish Seniors Golfingwho are Society

As Suggested by Drew Wilson

(OR FOR THOSE THAT PLAYED AT PRESTWICK)


Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalised for tall grass which greenkeepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.b.3(g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7(h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9(k)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15(z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalised for manufacturers' shortcomings.

Rule 8.k.9(s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes. Carry a copy with you at all times, to refer to with those who are non senior.





Subject: Love Story

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached
across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we
will have been married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of
these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"


Martha hesitated and replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've
been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a
good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we
were about to lose our wee house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see our bank manager and the next day
he wrote to tell you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for
that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"


Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't
have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see
your specialist one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."


"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of
course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for captain
at the golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"



and, from the prolific Mr Methven......

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from
Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for
the set of antlers?" "Two hundred quid," says the bloke
behind the counter. "That's affa deer," says the guy.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be
wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.. "Oh, she'll
be wearing a white dress," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its
holidays? A skean dhu'

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a
lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and
complains that there is a lace missing. "No," argues the assistant,
"look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen Sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an
Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is
asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says. "Good. And what would you do if
you couldn't get the fare?" "I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in
Scotland do two positives make a
negative - "Aye right."







POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back
with Normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are good matest. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light
goes off.'

Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is
doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is
it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in
the Bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'


'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!


.....and some thought provoking stuff from Jim Watt:



GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS


Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks


If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ....neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure out. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, land in all the bunkers and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme", you might wish to reconsider your participation in this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.



Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

..............Another Malky Moment

This is for all the germ conscious folks

that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather

in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening chatting the night away,

the next morning John's grandfather prepared

breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,

and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get 'em.

Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,

as his appeared to have tiny specks around

the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as

clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you

fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town

and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog

started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass

John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game

he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'



Subject: Nelson Mandela

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one day, when there's a knock at the
door.

Standing in Nelson's doorway is a small Japanese man, dressed in a
white coat and holding a clipboard.

"Good morning Sir" says the man, "You take derivery of two thousand
front headrights"

"Two thousand front headlights?" exclaims Nelson, "I haven't ordered
headlights, you must have the wrong address, now good day to you". And
he shuts the door.


The following morning, Nelson hears the door bell ring.
He opens the door, and again there is the small Japanese chap, white
coat and clipboard.

"You take derivery of 124 pair rinscreen riper" Says the man.

"Windscreen wipers? I haven't ordered windscreen wipers, now clear
off!" and he slams the door.


Saturday morning arrives and Nelson is just sitting down with his
freedom coffee and the paper, when there's a knock at the door. Again,
standing in the doorway is the Japanese man.

Looking down at his clipboard he says "You take derivery of 600 spark
prugs"

"Now listen to me" screams a very irate Nelson. "I don't know what's
Going on here, but let me make this perfectly clear, I HAVEN'T ORDERED ANY
CAR PARTS, NOW GO AWAY and leave me in peace!!"
The bewildered Japanese man looks hard at his clipboard and then
says

"So you no Nissan Main Dealer?"














Two more from Malcolm's book on philosophy and economics

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. (or haven't showered)

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

And my favorite:

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.



An open letter to the Chancellor of the Exchequer


Dear Mr. Darling,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Britain's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the
money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan:

There are about 20 million people over 50 in the work force. - Pay
them £1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the
following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings - Unemployment
fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new British CAR. Twenty million cars ordered -
Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing
Crisis fixed.

4) They must send their kids to school / college /university - Crime
rate fixed

5) Buy £50 of alcohol / tobacco / petrol a week ... there's your money
back in duty / tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.





An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.




A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because
she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she
flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up
another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says, 'What the *@!$ do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.



Says it all!





More on the gender war!!!!!

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods....



We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his **!!@@** forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.



Steve Ellis contributes the following. Familiar with the situation?



BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert ..
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


from regular contributor Malky Sim: A metaphorical swipe at the country's leaders.



Gordon the Chicken

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets' eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.


He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the London Exhibition and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?



Bill Methven (just) got the following past the censors

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?

Everybody won.

What's the ideal
weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2.3 pounds including the urn.


A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess
darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must
admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan