Overheard in the locker room around Feb 14th

Did ye get anything for the wife for valentines day?

As a matter of fact I did- I got her a new bag and belt

Oh. she'd be pleased with that?

No' really but at least the Hoover's working again





Drew Wilson to blame for the next one

TOOK DAD SHOPPING

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red,orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke onhis response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

'Got seriously drunk once and had a dalliance with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.



'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of her face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.



A few more from our regular contributors

Ø FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
>
> 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
>
>
>
> FREE PUPPIES
>
> 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
>
>
>
> FREE PUPPIES.
>
> Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
>
> Father, Super Dog .. . Able to leap tall fences in a single
> bound.
>
>
>
> FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
>
> Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
>
> Better be a big reward.
>
>
>
> COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
>
> Also 1 gay bull for sale.
>
>
>
> JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
>
> Must sell washer and dryer £100.
>
>
>
> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
> .
>
> Worn once by mistake.... Call Stephanie.
>
>
>
> And the best one:
>
>
>
> FOR SALE BY OWNER.
>
> Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
> Excellent
> condition. £200 or best offer. No longer
> needed, Got married last
> month. Wife knows everything.



AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.


One to worry you just a little!
>
>
>
How many zeros in a billion?

This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in one of it's releases.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.


At the rate our government is spending it, a billion pounds ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes.

Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Income Tax
Vat
Unemployment Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax (tax on top of tax)
Alcohol Tax
Luxury Goods Tax
Fuel tax
Property Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Local CouncilTax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax



STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was
one of the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
And Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened Can you spell 'politicians!' What the hell happened?????



The Bagpiper and the Homeless Man

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.


As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

*You all know little Johnny!

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b!#ches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"







Mair Monifieth Mirth- Malcolm's latest offering:

The Darwins are out!!!!


Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.



Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to syphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember.... They walk among us!!!***



From an external source- Ian Gillespie, West Kilbride GC offers the following:

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills? They were labeled
LSD.'
Granny replies, "Screw the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!?!"


Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly
agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love
juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'


An elderly couple is attending Church.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I
just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'


Malky's November Collection

If Tommy Cooper were alive today


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there..
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'





The Royal Commission on Political Correctness announced today

that the local climate in the UK shall no longer be called "British Weather".

It will now be referred to as "Muslim Weather".......

partly Sunni but mostly Shi'te.




-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked little Johnny what he had.
Little Johnny said, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called Turpentine"
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby".
Little Johnny replied, "If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.



New from the Jim Watt collection......

PRAISE BE


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like
to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband,
Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was
completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the
doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the
congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must
have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on,
"and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation,
and it turned out they were able to piece together the
crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it
to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and
squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery
performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord,
Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with
time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and
tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.


A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.



"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."




One for the ladies

We are not a male chauvinist pig organisation and balance up some previous entries with the following quotes from them indoors


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his SweatShirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

WOW - keep this in mind....

Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is?
I had a neighbour who had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news.


He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open.

Another neighbour came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck.
I'm impressed! WD-40 who knew? 'Water Displacement #40' The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound.


They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts.

Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
When you read the 'shower door' part, try it .. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned
that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle!
Then try it on your stove top .... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been... You'll be amazed.


Here are some other uses:

1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars..
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings..
4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps flies off cows.
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewelry chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring.
It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not
removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide..
21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22. Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes splattered grease on stove..
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37. Florida 's favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.'
38. The favorite use in the state of New York , WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no
time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose.(Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.)
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.

PS: The basic ingredient is FISH OIL.



A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 999 on his mobile phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly." "No time at all," says her husband.
"Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."



A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."



A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son? "
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our heads down."



Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes " says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
" Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."




The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said:
"What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day,` is it?"





The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from the Gorbals.

The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Gorbals in Glasgow were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this is a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice session, the Gorbals pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Carlsberg Special, 50 ecstasy tablets and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.



An 80-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for
today?'

'There's something wrong with my willie, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out,
waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir? '

'I can't pish out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter..

Mair Malky Moments

Monifieth's custodian of Mirth has the following offerings

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He
took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his
lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted
something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered
that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down
here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an
eight iron.




The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelled p-U-t or p-U-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-U-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a
vain attempt to do the same thing."



The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his Secretary for some mathematical help. He called her
into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of
Tennessee and I need some help.

If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take
off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my
earrings.'





My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game.
"You have to count my strokes," my brother told him.
"How much is six plus nine plus eight?"
"Five," answered the nephew.
"Okay," my brother said, "let's go."


Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met
on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first
lady asked, "What's your handicap?"

"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.

"Really!" exclaimed the first woman suitably impressed that she was
paired up with her.

"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"



The Avaricious Cuckoo

The common blackbird is a well thought of member of the feathered community. It is respectful of other creatures and their territories.

The cuckoo on the other hand thrives on the efforts of others.

The mother blackbird spends a great deal of time planning and preparing a comfortable and secure nest for her eggs and ultimately her fledglings. Care is taking when positioning the nest that it does not intrude on other birdlife activities in the area.

Eggs are duly layed and preparation made for hatching. Whilst most of the time the eggs are tended by one of the parents, there are occasions when supervision is not possible. During these times the opportunist cuckoo is able to visit the nest, deposit an egg, and move on.

Neat, don't bother with nest building, don't get involved with hatching, feeding and rearing, just get on with your life.

Mother blackbird returns to the nest, slightly confused by the extra and larger egg. Ever dutiful she carries on with the preparation for hatching.

Not much later there are five healthy chicks chattering away and happily sharing the constant supply of food brought to them. For weeks they play together as brothers and sisters.

Soon however the young cuckoo starts to outgrow the rest. Realising that it is still hungry after the rest are satisfied, it responds by throwing the others, one by one, out of the nest. Mother blackbird continues to feed the survivor but is naturally very unhappy over the loss of the others. She never recovers.

The cuckoo is now unhappy because it has no-one to play with and, having grown its feathers, leaves the nest to wander alone. It's calling cry of "cu-ckoo" "cu-ckoo" often goes unanswered. It comes to regret its actions realising that there was a good thing going now no longer there.

Moral? Who knows.




The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later.' The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier? The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister.. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.' The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'



From ex Aberdonian banker Bill Methven-


An Aberdonian walks into a bank in Union Street and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Aberdonian lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked
on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Aberdonian
for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Aberdonian returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?

The Aberdonian replies: "Where else in Aberdeen can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the Aberdonian .... This is why they survive



Rules of Golf

Drew Wilson (Clober) has come up with the following rule changes for use in our events. We shall of course have to run these past the game's ruling body and anticipate a degree of resistance.

New rules for Scottish Seniors Golfingwho are Society

As Suggested by Drew Wilson

(OR FOR THOSE THAT PLAYED AT PRESTWICK)


Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalised for tall grass which greenkeepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.b.3(g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7(h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9(k)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15(z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalised for manufacturers' shortcomings.

Rule 8.k.9(s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes. Carry a copy with you at all times, to refer to with those who are non senior.





Subject: Love Story

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached
across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we
will have been married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of
these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"


Martha hesitated and replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've
been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a
good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we
were about to lose our wee house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see our bank manager and the next day
he wrote to tell you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for
that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"


Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't
have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see
your specialist one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."


"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of
course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for captain
at the golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"



and, from the prolific Mr Methven......

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from
Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for
the set of antlers?" "Two hundred quid," says the bloke
behind the counter. "That's affa deer," says the guy.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be
wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.. "Oh, she'll
be wearing a white dress," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its
holidays? A skean dhu'

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a
lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and
complains that there is a lace missing. "No," argues the assistant,
"look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen Sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an
Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is
asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says. "Good. And what would you do if
you couldn't get the fare?" "I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in
Scotland do two positives make a
negative - "Aye right."







POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back
with Normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are good matest. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light
goes off.'

Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is
doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is
it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in
the Bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'


'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!


.....and some thought provoking stuff from Jim Watt:



GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS


Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks


If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ....neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure out. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, land in all the bunkers and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme", you might wish to reconsider your participation in this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.



Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

..............Another Malky Moment

This is for all the germ conscious folks

that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather

in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening chatting the night away,

the next morning John's grandfather prepared

breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,

and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get 'em.

Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,

as his appeared to have tiny specks around

the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as

clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you

fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town

and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog

started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass

John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game

he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'



Subject: Nelson Mandela

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one day, when there's a knock at the
door.

Standing in Nelson's doorway is a small Japanese man, dressed in a
white coat and holding a clipboard.

"Good morning Sir" says the man, "You take derivery of two thousand
front headrights"

"Two thousand front headlights?" exclaims Nelson, "I haven't ordered
headlights, you must have the wrong address, now good day to you". And
he shuts the door.


The following morning, Nelson hears the door bell ring.
He opens the door, and again there is the small Japanese chap, white
coat and clipboard.

"You take derivery of 124 pair rinscreen riper" Says the man.

"Windscreen wipers? I haven't ordered windscreen wipers, now clear
off!" and he slams the door.


Saturday morning arrives and Nelson is just sitting down with his
freedom coffee and the paper, when there's a knock at the door. Again,
standing in the doorway is the Japanese man.

Looking down at his clipboard he says "You take derivery of 600 spark
prugs"

"Now listen to me" screams a very irate Nelson. "I don't know what's
Going on here, but let me make this perfectly clear, I HAVEN'T ORDERED ANY
CAR PARTS, NOW GO AWAY and leave me in peace!!"
The bewildered Japanese man looks hard at his clipboard and then
says

"So you no Nissan Main Dealer?"














Two more from Malcolm's book on philosophy and economics

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. (or haven't showered)

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

And my favorite:

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.



An open letter to the Chancellor of the Exchequer


Dear Mr. Darling,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Britain's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the
money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan:

There are about 20 million people over 50 in the work force. - Pay
them £1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the
following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings - Unemployment
fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new British CAR. Twenty million cars ordered -
Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing
Crisis fixed.

4) They must send their kids to school / college /university - Crime
rate fixed

5) Buy £50 of alcohol / tobacco / petrol a week ... there's your money
back in duty / tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.





An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.




A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because
she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she
flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up
another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says, 'What the *@!$ do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.



Says it all!





More on the gender war!!!!!

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods....



We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his **!!@@** forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.



Steve Ellis contributes the following. Familiar with the situation?



BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert ..
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


from regular contributor Malky Sim: A metaphorical swipe at the country's leaders.



Gordon the Chicken

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets' eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.


He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the London Exhibition and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?



Bill Methven (just) got the following past the censors

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?

Everybody won.

What's the ideal
weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2.3 pounds including the urn.


A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess
darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must
admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan

Some philisophical insights from Billy Sim, Director of Golf at Hacienda del Alamo

George Carlin's Views on Ageing

Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about ageing that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm going to be 16!' You could be 13, but aye, you're gauny be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ..... . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them'

2.. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.











Credit Crunch - Money Savings Tips



HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by
simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to
bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.


SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walk
around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for
the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the
other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply
cross out the names and address of people you don't know.


SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the
wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam,
they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty
pence.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside
for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will
really feel the benefit.

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen
chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry
on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling
them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.





Caddy-shacking with Jim Watt

Countdown to the top player-caddy exchanges



10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game ?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

And the 1 Best Caddy Comment.....
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir

A fresh air shot from the captain:

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh**?



Steve Ellis joins the fray with an alternative view of world politics. Many farmers will recognise the procedures- particularly bureaucracy!



Politics Explained
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

(Original source unknown . . . this version expanded and Illuminated by SJ.)

Golf in the afterlife

Two octogenarians, Willie and George, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that George is dying, Willie visits him every day. One day
Willie says, 'George, we both loved golf all our lives, and we played golf
on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when
you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there.'

George looks up at Willie from his death bed,' You've been my best
friend for many years. If it's possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, George passes on. At midnight a couple of nights
later, Willie is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white
light and a voice calling out to him, 'Willie—Will-ie.'

'Who is it? Asks Willie sitting up suddenly... 'Who is it?'

'Willie--it's me, George.'

'You're not George. He just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, George,' insists the voice.'

'George! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies George. 'I have some really good news and a little bad
news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Willie.

The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's golf in heaven. Better yet,
all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than
that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always summer time and it never rains or snows….and
best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Willie. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?'


"You're off at 9.16 on Tuesday"


The "Husband Store"

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York
City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the
store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors
and the value of the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a
particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,
but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the "Husband Store" to find a
husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where
the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.

Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs love kids, are drop-dead
good looking and help with housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly
stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead
gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic
streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There
are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping
at the "Husband Store."

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened
a "New Wives" store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and
like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
visited.


*Subject: **How tough are Scottish Seniors*


The scene is set - late at night, mid tournament. The last three up are sitting round the open fire in the hotel, one from SSGS, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins...
Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, senior golfer there es.

Why, jist the other week over in Florida my ball linded neah a swamp and scared a

crocodoile, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I

grebbed the crocodoile and wristled him to du ground and killed im with my beer hends'.



Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said,
'Well you guys, lest wik bek hom moi ball lended orfter a 360 yard flight on a peth,
and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me.
I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the
poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here todiy'



Derek Sim remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his willie.





A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of
beer'. Some interesting responses.


'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the
prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television
when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Melanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and
takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grant, 7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink
the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes,
so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he
danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the
sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Nathan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old



A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'

Alex thought really hard about it,

then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the SH*T'.










Things you always wanted to know

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days
you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you broke wind consistently for 6 years and 9
months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it !)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it
pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(I'd rather not think about that)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head
before it starves to death.

(Creepy.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)




The male praying mantis cannot copulate while
its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football

(Like Ronaldo diving into the penalty box from his own half?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something we always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(No comment)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine
years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)



A cat's urine glows under a black light..

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)









Overheard (allegedly) in the lounge at Hacienda del Alamo where the philosopher Wilson was lecturing his clubmate on the error of his ways:

Well you see James, it's like this….. a herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and, when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate at the speed of the slowest brain cells. Now, as we both know, excessive intake of alcohol acts to kill brain cells but, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

By this process, regular "swally" eliminates weaker brain cells and makes the brain a sharper,more efficient unit. That is why Jim my son you always feel much smarter after a couple of beers.



It's been quiet......too quiet! Here's Malky


Barack Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital.

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or
illness.

He greets one.

The patient replies:

Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm.


Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves on
to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle

Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks,
'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'



Latest from Jim Watt

If you are politically correct, look away now!



Do you know that

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like……

a new golf bag!




We're not normally open to plug Callaway equipment but an exception made for this one:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get
a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for
the retirement benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed
she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about
the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner
on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so
eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit
that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile
and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three
days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know
what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I
try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just sit for a while. And,
as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me
too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I
do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism
of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it
was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says
he was found with a Calloway 50-inch Big Bertha ll Driver jammed up his rear
end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took
only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jeff
somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.



DUBYA Said it! Yup, he surely did.

George W Bush: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

Reassuring words for every American citizen.

George W Bush: "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."

Just with men, perhaps.

George W Bush: "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?"

If this guy's an example of what learning can do to someone, we should hope not.



George W Bush: "They misunderestimated me."

Well, at least they didn't overmisunderestimate him.



George W Bush: "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

Yeah, no matter how much mashed potato we put on our kids' faces, they just keep wiping it off. And crying.

George W Bush: "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.''

Just like him didn't.

George W Bush: "It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the internet."

Does he mean MySpace?

George W Bush: "More and more of our imports come from overseas."

Rather than from over the rainbow, perhaps.

George W Bush: "First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."

Thanks for clearing that one up, Dubya!

George W Bush: "I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them."

If it's any comfort, not many other people do either.

George W Bush: "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

Clearly the man has never seen Jaws.

George W Bush: "I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority [and] was very impressed by his grasp of finances."

From this we can only assume that he paid him enough money to leave.





Bill Methven suggests that the test below should be undertaken by all senior golfers who try to follow a ball in flight. Are the beans moving or still?











Malky's Tommy Cooper Collection- some memorable shorts from the great one submitted by Malcolm Sim (Monifieth)

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I got home, and the phone was ringing.

I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said "You are."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese'

And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone answering machine message -
"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!" The End.




From our finance correspondent :



I thought it would be helpful to keep you in the picture about what's going on.



I've just read that uncertainty has now hit the Japanese banking sector:

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded.
Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of
its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will
likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended
after they nose-dived. Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp
cutbacks. Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in
the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report
that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared
that staff may get a raw deal!!

Sayonara


Golf- The Burnsian adaptation

In my hand I haud a ba'.... white and dimpled, unco sma'....

Wee an' haupless does appear.... this harmless looking little sphere....

By its size I couldna' guess.... this awesome strength it does possess....

But since I fell a'blow its spell.... I've wander't through the fires o' hell....

My life has no' been quite the same.... Since takin' up this stupid game....

It rules my mind for hoors on end... Sma' fortune it has bad me spend....

It's made me swear and yell and cry... I hate masel' and want tae die....

It promises a thing ca'd par.... If I can hit it straight and far....

To master such a teeny ba' should no' be very hard at a'

Try as I like the ba' refuses.... and does exactly whit it chooses....

It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies.... e'en disappears afore my eyes....

Aft times upon the merest whim.... it'll hit a tree or tak a swim. ..

Wi' miles of grass on which tae land.... it finds the wee'est patch of sand....

Then has me off'ring up my soul.... if only it would find the hole.......

It mak's me whimper like a pup. ... and swear that I will give it up....

and tak a drink to ease my sorrow.... but the ba' kens fine I'll be back the morra'!!!!



Golf Truisms Health Warning! The Society will not be held liable for the cost of any psychotherapy required by members as a direct result of reading the following, submitted by Jim Watt. Golf Truisms

1. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

2. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

3. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

4. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

5. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

7. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

8. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

9. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

10. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt, for a 10.

11. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

12. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

13. It's not a gimme if you're still furthest away.

14. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree.

15. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces -just the way you meant to play it.-

16. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

17. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

18. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

19. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

20. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

21. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

22. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

23. Hazards attract; fairways repel.

24. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.

25. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

26. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

27. It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to cut the grass.

28. Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

29. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

30. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

31. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

32. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

33. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

34. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

35. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

36. You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! An SSGS sweater* will do just fine.

37. It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.

Submitted by Jim Watt, Letham Grange



CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THOSE BORN IN THE
1940s, 50s and 60s!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags and we went round the streets on go-carts made from old pram wheels & bits of wood.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. Take away food was limited to fish and chips - no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos. Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy toffees, gobstoppers, bubble gum and some bangers to blow things up with. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY,
no video/dvd films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. Only girls had pierced ears! We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time... We were given catapults and pen knives for our 10th birthdays, We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!


Rugby and football had trials and not everyone made the team.. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that - getting into the team was based on MERIT! Our teachers used to hit us with belts and gym shoes.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

From Ian Taylor, Royal Burgess