From Derek Sim:

   

  

Feherty-isms

 If you are golfers but don’t know who David Feherty is, think of any Irish Robin Williams, who was a professional golfer and is now a TV commentator for Golf Channel and has his own show. The stuff that just rolls off of his lips is so funny that for a few years they wouldn’t even let him do the Masters coverage for fear he would offend the Masters Committee.

 ENJOY!

 On a possible injury to Rory McElroy --

 “Fortunately, Rory is only 22 years old, so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body.”

“That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon.”

 “I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn’t be here this week.He is busy attending the birth of his next wife.”

 On Jim Furyk’s swing -- “It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.”

 "That was a great shot -- if they'd put the pin there today."

 "All you need for a happy life is good health and a bad memory."

 Describing a player's tee shot -- "Everything moves except his bowels."

 “Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."

Irish Medical Dictionary

The Irish have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously ...

Medical Term                                    Irish Definition

Artery -                                                The study of paintings

Bacteria -                                            Back door to cafeteria

Barium -                                              What doctors do when patients die

Benign -                                               What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section -                             A neighbourhood in Rome

Cat scan -                                            Searching for Kitty

Cauterize -                                          Made eye contact with her

Colic -                                                  A sheep dog

Coma -                                                A punctuation mark

Dilate -                                                 To live long

Enema -                                               Not a friend

Fester -                                                 Quicker than someone else

Fibula -                                                A small lie

Impotent -                                           Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain -                                     Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff -                                   A Doctor's cane

Morbid -                                              A higher offer

Nitrates -                                              Rates of Pay for Working at Night,

>                                                            Normally more money than Days

Node -                                                  I knew it

Outpatient -                                        A person who has fainted

Pelvis -                                                 Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative -                                 A letter carrier

Recovery Room -                              Place to do upholstery

Rectum -                                             Nearly killed him

Secretion -                                           Hiding something

Seizure -                                               Roman Emperor

Tablet -                                                A small table

Terminal Illness -                               Getting sick at the airport

Tumour -                                             One plus one more

Urine -                                                   Opposite of you're out

 

 The Perfect Husband

 Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-fr ee speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 MAN: "Hello!"

 WOMAN: "Hello dear, it's me. Are you at the club?"

 MAN: "Yes."

 WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

 MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

 WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Jaguar dealership and saw the newmodels. I saw one in the colour I really liked."

 MAN: "How much?"

 WOMAN: "£80,000."

 MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

 WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.They're asking £880,000 for it."

 MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £800,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

 WOMAN: "OK. I'll s ee you later! I love you, I love you, I love you!"

 MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

 The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

 He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"  

 

Bill Methven in philosophical mode with these contributions:

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

 

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

 

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

 

He replied, "They had eggs."

 

(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)

 

 Places I've been

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the heart!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deep doo-doo many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

 

There is more than one Sim. This one wishes to remain anonymous. Thanks Derek

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.


Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."


My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class cuddle with him. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."


Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.


Prince William says he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he didn't give a toss, he still went.


Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times you meathead.

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.


Some sod's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

 

 

Submitted by Denis Albutt  (Royal Dornoch)

A magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :

'As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.'

(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA )

'What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.' (Lykes Lines Shipping)

'E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.' (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

'This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.' (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.' (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

'No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.' (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)

Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.' (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,'That would be better for me.' (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

'We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.' (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

 

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

  

I had a friend who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.

He was chuffed to bits.

  

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...

I thought to myself, these blokes have lost the plot!!

 

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.

Not being one to disappoint I  pushed her over.

 

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,

But we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

 

 My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

 

 I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke crouching behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said.

"No" he replied, "just having a rest."

  

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something sleek and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her bathroom  scales.

  

 Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"I've got the big C,"he said.

"What, cancer?"

"No, dyslexia."

 

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself  that guy 's heading for a breakdown.

  

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.

To be fair the audience did try to warn him

 From Saltcoats Lawyer Mike Nellany  

A *paraprosdokian* is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anti-climax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

 

Ø   *I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. *

Ø   *Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. *

 Ø   *The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list. *

Ø   *If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong

Ø   *We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.*

Ø   *War does not determine who is right - only who is left.*

Ø   *Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. *

Ø   *Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.*

Ø   *To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research. *

Ø   *A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.*

Ø  *Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.*

Ø   *A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. *

Ø   *I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 

Ø   *Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?*

Ø   *A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.*

Ø   *You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.*

Ø   *The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! *

Ø   *Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.  

Ø   *A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.*

Ø   *Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.*

Ø   *I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. *

Ø *I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.*

Ø *I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.*

Ø   *You're never too old to learn something stupid.*

Ø   *To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.*

Ø   *Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.*

Ø   *A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are following it as when you are in it.*

Ø *Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.*

 

SSGS Honorary President Gordon MacDonald takes a swipe at the former European City of Culture

 

A Glesga Burd goes tae the social tae register fur child benefit.

How many children?" asks the civil servant.

10" replies the girl.

10???" says the civil servant. "What are their names?"

Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec

Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in

The street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC,

GO TO BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..."

What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant.

"'at's easy," says the girl...

  "Ah just use thur surnames"

 

Another  Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"

Girl: "OK"

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Morag."

Medic: "Morag, is this your car?"

Morag: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Morag: "Springburn."

 

YET another  Glesga burd was driving down the M8 when her car phone rang.

It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Listen Doll, I

Just heard on the news that thur's a motor gawn the wrang wie oan the M8. Better watch yersel'!"

It's no' jist wan motor!" said the girl,

"There's *??!!##   hunners o'them!"

 

Submitter Bill Crighton claims the following doesn't apply to him.  Any comment Dorothy?

 

 

 Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

"Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder"


This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.

I decide to go through it before I wash the car.

I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the house to my desk where

I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail

 

Home early

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom in a most compromising situation with a very attractive young woman.
        
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.

'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!

I'm leaving you.

I want a divorce right away!'
         
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love,

so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,'she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
        
And the husband began -- 
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.

She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
        
I noticed that shewas very thin,not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
        
So, in my compassion,I brought her home and warmed up the 

enchiladas I made for you last night,the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
        
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she 
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty andfull of holes, so I threw them away.
        
Then, as she needed clothes,I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years,

but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
        
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
    
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for  Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her,

and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
        
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful  for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyesand said,

'Please ....

Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

 

This one comes from WK member Mike Nellany

 

Puns for Educated Minds 

1.   The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. 
He acquired his size from too much pi. 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum  Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 

17. A backward poet writes inverse. 

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count 
that votes. 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine . 

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root  canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

 

 

Mr Methven is never far away- this is a classic!

 

Subject: LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL

 

 

 

 

According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem.   A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the Head Teacher decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie 'Princesses'). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers.......and then there are educators.

The meaning of "life from Mike Nellany

 

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.  For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?  That's a pretty long time to perform.  How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.  For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years?  Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God.  "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family..  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.  And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.  There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.  I'm doing it as a public service.

 

More from Monifieth and the ascerbic pen of Jim Roy

Did you hear about the fat.alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
 
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action.  So I sent her my ironing.  That'll keep the lazy bitch busy. 
  
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".  Mick said, "Let's hope it's not yhe 13th then"
 
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house.  Turns out she was a Slovak.
 
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse. I'll have to let her in.
 
Came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone.  What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar?

 
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.  To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
 
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.  Nothing.
 
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.  The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll  get a speaking part" 
 
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.  That's rather a lot.  Apparently Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
 
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, and when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

More from the Aiberdeen Double Act Fowler/Methven

 

The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way....Who's your Daddy?

 

These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

 

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

 

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

 

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

 

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

 

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

 

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.

 

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

 

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

 

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized.

 

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

 

Les and Bill have also sheepishly submitted the following. Any member wishing to reflect the rich cultural diversity of our nation can convert to his own regional dialect we shall be pleased to feature.

 

DORIC OFFICE TALK

GENERAL

Process Flowcharts - The wye tae dee things

Departments - Bourachies o' Fowk

Roles (Job Titles) - Fit the folk are caa'd

Resources - Handy things tae hae handy

Value - Foo mony or foo muckle

Unit of measure - Foo mony or foo muckle fit

 

 CONCEPTS & STANDARDS

Quality - Fit wye a thingmie's fit for fit it's supposed tae fit

Competency - Fit ye're fit for

Business Risk - Onything that can mak' an erse o'fit ye're trying tae dee

Documentation - Bumf

Document Register - Faur tae look for mair bumf

Retention Period - Haud on til't for

 

 PROCESSES

Process Reference - Fit it's caa'd

Process Title - Fit it's tae dee wi'

Process Owner -Heid mannie

Approver - Fa says "aye"

Draft - Nae quite feenish'd

 

 TASKS (within a process)

Task - Fit's deen

Responsible - Fa does't

Informed - Tell't

Consulted - Speired at

Assists - Gies a haun til

Accountable - Fa's heid's on the block if a'thing gings erse ower tit

Create - Mak up

Refer to - Hae a lookie at

File/Archive - Pit awa'

 

 PROJECT COMPLETION

Project - Jobbie

Completion Checklist - Ticketyboo tick list

 Guidance in the Published Processes

"Click on a Process Group at the left to display the list of Processes for that Process Group" - "Gie a dunt tae the left lug o' the moosie o'er the heid o' a Bourachie o' Maps tae the left tae hae a look at a list o' the Maps in ahint it"

"A flowchart is not currently available for this process" - "Ther's nae a map gaan

More from Malky,Monifieth's Master of Mirth

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:	What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:	Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:	No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:	Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:	Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:	There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:	Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:	Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:	I don't know.
Stewart White:	I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:	Arm
Stewart White:	Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:	Strong.
Stewart White:	Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:	Louis
Stewart White:	Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:	Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS ) Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ? Contestant: France Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris                                        THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party? Contestant: The Conservative Party.     BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON ) DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?   UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name? Contestant: Goosey?   GWR FM ( Bristol ) Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ? Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.   PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO -   MANCHESTER ) Phil: What's 11 squared? Contestant: I don't know. Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. Contestant: Is it five?   RICHARD AND JUDY Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? Contestant: Forrest Gump.   RICHARD AND JUDY Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Er. .. ... Richard: He makes bread . . .. Contestant: Er . ..... Richard: He makes cakes . . .. Contestant: Kipling Street ?   LINCS FM PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain   NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Question: What is the world's largest continent? Contestant: The Pacific.   ROCK FM ( PRESTON ) Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci. Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?   THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918? Contestant: Magna Carta?   JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?   CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL ) Chris Searle: In which European country isMount Etna? Caller: Japan Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er ..... Mexico ?   PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE ) Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israellast? Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.   DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland ? Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ? Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ? Contestant: No.   PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er. ... ... Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . . Contestant: Blimey? Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .... Contestant: (Silence) Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .. Contestant: Walked?   THE VAULT Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? Contestant: Nostalgia.   LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB) Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes? Contestant: Jewish. Presenter: That's close enough.   STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play? Contestant: Jesus.

More from the mischevious Fowler/Methven Combo

 

 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. 

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"


He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.


"Did you help him?" she asks.


 "No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? 


I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.


 "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
 

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.
 


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

Malky's been too quiet! Here's his latest

 

The third man says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last one of the group who is staring at them l like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the a*se and said, Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf," and all she said was,…………………………

"Take a sweater with you."

 

A merry Christymas from Colin

Davie and Chas were a couple of drinking pals who worked as aircraft mechanics at Glasgow Airport.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Davie said,
"Jeez, I wish we had something to drink!".
Chas says,
"Me as weel.  Y'ken, I've heard ye can swallie jet fuel and get a buzz. Ye gonnae try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Davie wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT!
NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings...It's Chas.
Chas says, "Hey, how do you feel this mornin'?"
Davie says, "Brilliant! Whit aboot yerself?"
Chas says, "I feel great, too. Do ye have a sair heid?"
Davie says, "Naw, that jet fuel is great stuff - nae hangover, nothin'. We need tae drink this stuff insteed o' Smirnoff."
Chas says "Aye! But there's just one thing..."


Davie goes "Whit's that?".

"Have ye farted yet?" Says Chas.

Davie says "Naw..."

Chas says "Well, DINNAE,  - 'cause I'm in Dusseldorf !!." 

 

Submitted  by Bill Methven

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day,  Marie my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole" . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres. So Marie called him a "dick head".  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we'r retired.
It's important at our age.!

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts , and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
 
ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
 ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
  ____________________________________________
  
 ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ____________________________________________
  
 
  
 ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS:     Yes.
 ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS:     I forget..
 ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 ___________________________________________ 
   
 ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS:      He's 20, much like your IQ.
  ___________________________________________
  
 ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
 _________________________________________
  . 
   ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
 WITNESS:     Yes.
 ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
 WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
 ____________________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS:     By death..
 ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS:     Take a guess.
  ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
 ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
 _____________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
  ______________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
 _________________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS:     Oral...
  _________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
 ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished.
 ____________________________________________
 
  ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
  ______________________________________
 
 And last:
 
 ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 WITNESS:     No.
 ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS:     No.
 ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS:     No.
 ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
 WITNESS:     No.
 ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.   
  
rom future member Ian Gillespie

Oh, Oh !!!
                                                                                                                       
A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and 'in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbours' male dog while they   
were away on holiday.  She had a large house and she believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting
off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.  She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in
obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.                                         
                                                                                                                       
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.                                                                                      
                                                                                                                       
After having the problem explained to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.  I  
will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."   
                                                                                                                       
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.  "It just worked for me" he replied.   

 

 

From Steve Ellis

 Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'


Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your bloody Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tyres..


------------------------------------------------


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


------------------------------------------------


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


------------------------------------------------



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


------------------------------------------------


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


------------------------------------------------


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


------------------------------------------------


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


------------------------------------------------



One more.. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

 

 This contribution should really by Junior Moments

 

CHILDREN ARE QUICK          
____________________________________ 

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find   North America  . 
MARIA:         Here it  is. 
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered  America ? 
CLASS:         Maria. 
____________________________________   

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor? 
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables. 
__________________________________________ 

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' 
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong 
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.   

____________________________________________ 

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER:   What are you talking about? 
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.   
__________________________________ 

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. 
WINNIE:       Me! 
__________________________________________   

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN:          Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.   
_______________________________________ 

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with '  I.  ' 
MILLIE:         I  is.. 
TEACHER:     No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.' 
MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'      
________________________________ 

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.   
                    Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? 
LOUIS:           Because George still had the axe in his hand....     
______________________________________   

TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.   
______________________________ 

TEACHER:       Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? 
CLYDE  :         No, sir. It's the same dog.    


___________________________________ 

TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 
HAROLD:     A teacher